I was having a hard time coming up with my next post and then I realized no one really knows how I’m feeling or even how I’m dealing with all of this. I will say that I’m not the type of person who let’s people in very often or expresses how I feel, ever. You have to be a very special person to be let into that part of me, my vulnerability.
This whole pregnancy has been one of denial. Denial in the fact that I’m pregnant. I could have never been this stupid, but yet one momentary lapse in judgment landed me here. I fell down this rabbit hole that has landed me in my own version of Wonderland. Seeing and experiencing things I never thought I would experience myself. I’ve distanced myself from the situation in a way that I feel would make the process of giving 2 human lives that I created to someone else easier. Until last week when I get a package from the adoption agency with some questions I need to answer about my hospital plan, a keepsake book for me to fill out and give to these babies, and a informational packet about grief. That’s when reality hit like a ton of bricks. Looking through my hospital plan, I’m asking myself how am I supposed to answer these questions? Questions that haven’t even run through my head until this moment.
Who will hold the baby first?
Breast feed or bottle feed?
Who will do the feedings, changings?
Who do I want the doctor to talk to about the babies?
Do I want to do this, should I let them do it, do we do it together? Those are just a few questions on these 3 pages worth of questions. I honestly can’t say I know how to answer these questions. The more I think about it, the more difficult they become. I mentioned earlier I don’t like being vulnerable and this my friends makes me feel very vulnerable. It’s not an easy thing to take in. I break down and cry thinking if I would be a terrible person if I wanted nothing to do with them to make the decision easier, but that just makes the illusion of denial that much more real or do I share this with them making a bond with my babies and burst that denial bubble making that connection real?
I never wanted children but yet here I am having 2. 2 little girls who will grow up to be amazing woman because I did what I thought was best by giving them to a 2 parent loving home. Keeping them in my opinion is the worst thing I could do for these girls. I’d resent them for taking a part of my life I knew I wanted, for reminding me of my mistake over & over again. Raising them alone would mean them having to go with out certain things and I would never want that for them. I don’t want them to know the feeling of resentment or going with out because I made a choice that wasn’t right for me. I’m tired of people telling me that they could never get rid of there kids, I am not getting rid of them. I’m giving them the best opportunity at life that I know I can not give them myself.
That’s literally just a glimpse into my emotional thought process on this subject. I haven’t been an overly emotional pregnant lady through out this process, thank goodness but I do have my moments when I do break down and feel those emotions that I know I can’t run from.
The most frustrating part of the situation is that I’m doing this alone. I have an amazing support system who’s there for me, but I’m still alone. Alone dealing with the changes in my body, alone in the endless doctors appointments, even with just feeling alone. No one can really do much for me in this journey but support me and I’m greatful for every one who has been so supportive. It just doesn’t stop that feeling.
Until next time,