Frustrated. 

The past few days haven’t been the easiest. The pain in my hip has been really bad and it’s making doing anything very uncomfortable. I’ve tried to make the best of my days by trying to do things outside of lying at home, playing with Luna, and sleeping. I went to the park & read a few times since the weather was nice this week, I definitely enjoyed the fresh air and the away time from Luna! Don’t get me wrong, I love my Luna but she’s turning a year old and is somewhere around 60lbs and hyperactive. (Doesn’t mix well with my slight disadvantage.) I also got to see The Lego Batman Movie with a friend (totally worth seeing) but all of these things just took a toll on me both physically and mentally. 

It’s frustrating not being able to do the most basic of things, getting water or going to the restroom. It’s heartbreaking not being able to take Luna out for a longer walk cause her massive size pulls me so hard that I cry out in pain. I know she’s bored and wants more play time or stimulation but I just don’t have it in me right now to give it to her. I get frustrated when she gets moody and bored because I can’t do anything for her. I’m only 5 months in and I’m unsure how much longer I can take this feeling. I hate feeling helpless, I hate feeling like I’m doing Luna an injustice, I hate that I have no one to help me and more so, the fact that I need help. Life keeps pushing me further down this fucked up rabbit hole and I want no more part or it. I wish I could just fast forward until these babies come out and I can start regaining my life. 

On the other hand the adoptive parents and I have set up a date to go and get a 3d ultrasound with photos for them to finally see the babies out side of my photos of the ultrasounds. I can imagine they’re really excited seeing as he may have mentioned that he has to try and stop her from buying all the little girl clothes off the Internet. I’m glad that I can give them this opportunity to experience the growing of these not so little lima beans but I’m over the pain of them growing.

One day at a time, right?

Jenika

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