I want to apologize in advance that this post might be a scatter brained mess, but it’s my blog so oh well! I know I said that I would probably write the night before the due date, but I’m currently going through a lot of emotions that I want to put down. As the day approaches the reality of the situation becomes more daunting.
I am a birth mother.
This decision has not only effected myself but obviously my family. As much as I have tried to distance myself from this pregnancy the realization of I’m having 2 kids has become over whelming. I mentioned in the last post that these babies will be tied to me forever and the more that thought sinks in the more emotional I get. I never thought I’d be in this place ever in my life and all I want is for every one to be happy, the adoptive parents, my mom, and mainly myself. I know that if I wouldn’t have made this decision to place the babies up for adoption I at the end of it all would not be happy.
Does that make me selfish? People say I’m strong and brave for doing this but I can’t help but to feel selfish. Selfish for putting what I feel are my needs & feelings before any one elses. I never wanted to be a mother of any sort but the fact of the matter is I am now and that thought scares the living shit out of me. These little girls years from now when they can think for themselves will know I birthed them, I gave them up, and I don’t know what to say to explain what I went through to do so. How do you explain… Yea sorry I put you up for adoption because I didn’t want to me a mom. That sounds terrible but the bottom line is that’s the truth, not being ready financially, mentally, or even physically to take care of 2 new born babies on my own is just an addition to that.
People have offered to help me raise these girls moving me to another state just so these girls will stay in the family, but I don’t want to raise these girls, I don’t want that responsibility. Choosing a family outside of my family & friends was so that it would make my decision easier, but knowing that my family wants to be involved with these girls is also a hard reality to swallow. It means that these girls will be more apart of my life than I would have wanted. Circling back, how do I keep myself distant while my family has that social interaction without these girls wondering why I’m not as involved as “grandma?”
Trying to find this happy medium in my head is making me anxious. I need to take all of this one step at a time, one moment at a time. I can work myself up because the unknown to me is a very scary thing and it makes me feel like I don’t have control over my situation. It could be that these girls come and I see them and all of that anxiety goes away but it also could be that all of that anxiety becomes intensified with all those post partum hormomes.
I’ve felt lost in my life several times, as I’m sure many of you guys have too but right now this is the most lost I’ve felt in 28 years of my existence. I think back to when I first found out I was pregnant and how Fuck face couldn’t comprehend how I could feel like my world was over. I know that my world isn’t over and that things will go back to normal and I’ll be able to handle everything thrown at me in the future, but a small part of me still feels that having these girls isn’t the greatest thing and that I wish it would have never happened.
I feel like I’ve cried more in the past 2 days then I have since finding out I was pregnant with twins. I really would love to just fast forward past these next few weeks and start this next chapter pretending that these past 37 weeks didn’t happen, but I can’t because it did happen. Life will continue to move forward and I just hope that I can find a way to cope with this versus ignoring it.