Bittersweet 

Words can’t begin to describe the emotions that are going through me right now. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, felt joy, and sadness. 

The moment it all became real was the moment I had to relinquish my rights as these 2 beautiful little girls’ mother. The words read to me hit me like a ton of bricks and it weighed heavy on me. I broke down. I broke down with these words of abandonment forever. 

It all started on May 3rd, the day scheduled for my c-section. I was in bed waiting for my mom and cousin to pick me up and take me to the hospital to check in. Well little did I know that these girls were ready to come in on their own terms still. I rolled out of bed to find out my water broke! Yes, these girls decided to wait until the DAY OF their already scheduled day to come into this world. We get to the hospital and advise them I’m scheduled for a c-section and that my water has also broken. They get me back into the pre op room to get me hooked up and prepared for the big moment. At this point the adoptive parents have now met up with us at the hospital and are there waiting with us for me to be taken back. Being that I could only have 1 person in with me during the surgery I obviously choose my mom. I couldn’t do this with out her, so she kindly offers to take one of their phones back into the operating room to document the moment for them. They take me back to the OR and this when I start to freak out mentally. I see all these machines and the table I’m about to be laid out on and it’s like OH EM GEE they’re about to cut me open and take out TWO tiny humans out of me.

Laying on that table having a slight freak out I just concentrated on hearing the babies cry, to know that they were out and ok. Once they were out and I could feel the pressure and tugging these two doctors were doing to close me up started a small panic again so I moved my mind 2 listen to what was happening to my little girls. 
Baby A born at 1:53pm at 5lbs 6oz and measured 17 inches. She is Addison now. A beautiful little girl with black hair and an attitude like her mommas.
Baby B born 1:55pm at 5lbs 11oz and measured 18 inches. She is Harper. A mellow little one with dirty blonde/light brown hair who is also just as chill as her momma.

They’re most definitely fraternal twins. They look nothing a like. 

Addison was having some troubles with her breathing when she came out but they were able to regulate it so no NICU for her or Harper who came out peaceful & perfect. 

The next few hours are kind of a blur, ya know since I’m all drugged up on a cocktail of things but they move me back to my post-op room for a few hours while I recover before moving me to another actual room. They clean up my little girls and bring them to my room, where I have friends and family waiting to meet them. 

With the adoption if the hospital has room they would allow the adoptive parents to stay in one with the babies but this week they were too busy to be able to accommodate a room for them. The first night with the little ones was just myself and a nurse doing their feedings every 3 hours or so and they stayed in a hotel that night. Needless to say I didn’t get much sleep that night. The next morning my day nurse felt that because of the drugs they had me on that it would be best if the babies stayed in the nursery for a while to be monitored. While in the nursery only myself and my mom would be allowed to go see them and anyone else would have to be with one of us. That morning my mom arrived and took the parents to the nursery to see the girls while I rested some more. After a few hours they brought my girls back to my room to be with me and told me they had been waiting for a room to clear to move me so that I wasn’t in a post op room the whole time. Once they finally moved me rooms we decided that because there was a couch and a recliner that if they wanted to the parents could stay in my room that night which they did, naturally. It gave us time to bond together as birth mother & adoptive parents and also for them to take over taking care of the girls feedings and changings.  

Friday, May 5th 2017 was spent with the most important people in my life. My mom, best friend, the adoptive parents, and their family. This day was a long day and the day that was set up to relinquish my rights. Before the worker from the adoption agency arrived it still hadn’t hit me that this was my last day with my girls. I knew I would be discharged but it was uncertain if the girls would be the same day. They both needed to pass their car seat test and Harper’s bilirubin numbers were high so they needed to make sure those numbers came down before releasing her. It was about 4:30 when my adoption representative arrived, I was still holding up ok. She asked the parents to leave and it was just my 2 witnesses and myself with her. During the process each document had to be read twice, one for each baby and it had to be documented by a court reporter who was on the phone with us. Once she started reading those documents and the wording of it all hit me is when the emotions flooded over me and I broke down and finally cried. My tears flowed as I signed my name saying that I would no longer be their parent, that it was forever. After everything was said and done, I held my girls. I told them I loved them more than anything and that I had to do this for them. I wanted them to have everything I couldn’t give them alone. I held them until the very last minute before being released. 

This was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

I said bye to my girls and told them I’d always be here for them even though I wasn’t their “mom.” And that was that. I said my good bye to the parents who were overwhelmed with tears of happiness that their dreams have finally come true, where my tears flowed of sadness leaving my girls behind. 

It’s been really hard these past few days tryin to write this update because I’m reliving the moment over and over again.  At no point did I think I shouldn’t do this or did I want to not go through with the process but it’s still painful knowing I made these tiny humans over 37 weeks, I got to know each of them while inside and out of me. This adoption will be open so I do get to see my girls grow and I will be able to visit them or them me, which helps me cope with the process. Now it’s time to get my life back in track so that later down the line these girls will see that I’ve made the changes I needed to make to grow up. 

Harper & Addison 💕 I love you to the moon & back. 

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3 thoughts on “Bittersweet ”

  1. Jenika as I have said before you are such a strong women. I could never imagine the amount of emotions going through with adoption but you have blessed a couple with a dream they never thought would come true. Glad it’s an open adoption and will be praying for your healing not only physical but emotional as well.

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  2. Such beautiful girls!! They are very fortunate to have a birth mother who loves them so much and adoptive parents who are so thrilled to love and care for them. So many loving people in their lives. You sure did a beautiful job growing them. 🙂

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