Is it time!?

Sorry for the long pause in between post guys, I know I’m the worst. I’ve just been lazy and have had some writers block I suppose. 

Well we had an appointment for the twinkies today, check on their fluids & heartbeat per usual. Everything looks good. We also did a non stress test to track their movements & heartbeats. Unfortunately my babies being my babies and all they weren’t having any of it. The nurses tried for a good 10 to 15 mins to try and position the sensors where the babies were but they kept moving. Finally we were able to get both babies on the monitor but when the doctor came in to look they had moved pretty much right after the nurses left. Damn twinkies! 

At my last appointment it was determined that I’m pretty anemic, which if you know me I’ve been anemic all my life. So we’re trying to get me in to see a hematologist to get an iron IV. Won’t be the first time I’ve gone through that, it sucks but oh well gotta do whatcha gotta do. Hopefully that’ll help curb my intense ice cravings!

I know every one is really anxious to know if I’ll be delivering these twinkies naturally or via c-section. I spoke to the doc and he said it all depends on the babies at this point. He normally goes for a natural delivery but if the babies positions are difficult then it’ll have to be a c-section. So here’s hoping to these twinkies being in a position for an easy and natural birth cause the thought of a c-section I think scares me more than natural…? I think.
 
Being 32 weeks now with these little monsters has me exhausted! I can barely walk around the grocery store without being winded every other aisle! Sleeping is the worst. Trying to find a comfortable position for what feels like this giant belly isn’t easy, they crush all my internal organs at each toss & turn. I’m completely ready for these babies to come out & meet the world and let me breathe like normal again.
 
I know, I know. They’re not ready but I sure as hell am! I’m ready to get on with my life and move forward from this point. I sometimes feel like the worst birth mother because I’m just so ready to move past this. I haven’t embraced this pregnancy, I haven’t embraced these twinkies so much either. They’re apart of me and I know that they’re not really going any where. They’ll always be my flesh & blood, but at the end of the day I still want to ignore that fact and pretend that this never happend. Maybe that thought will change once they’re here, maybe it won’t but what I do know clear as day is I’m definitely ready to move on. 

Well here is me at 32 weeks, definitely looking uber pregnant now. I can’t imagine how I’m going to look in 4 more weeks, assuming the babies stay in that long…. but I’m already feeling the impact of them now. 

Well until next time,
Jenika

Congratulations 

When people find out I’m pregnant, the usual response I get is “Congratulations!” A normal response back would be to say thank you, but in my situation I don’t know how to respond. Saying “thank you” makes me feel like I’m agreeing to something I’m not wanting to be congratulated for. I never in my life wanted to be pregnant so accepting a congratulations makes me feel like I’m lying to people. I don’t like it. It’s uncomfortable. I’ve been very open about my adoption process throughout this pregnancy because I’m not ashamed of what I’m doing, but I sit here and think I’ll just play along for their sake. They start to go more in depth and the lie seems to grow! So I’ve told a few people that give their congrats, a thank you and explain I’m not keeping them. These people also have a million questions, questions I don’t mind answering because I understand that not a lot of people understand or get to see first hand what the adoption process is like. 
Either way, my awkwardness aside! The girls are doing great, growing side by side at about the same pace. Doc says he’s really pleased with how they’re growing. We talked about getting me steroids shots some where when I hit 32 weeks to help with their lung development and to decrease and risk of brain damage. We haven’t spoken about how this delivery will go yet, I suppose he’s just waiting to see if they end up coming into the world on their own before deciding to schedule a c-section. I honestly have no idea which method I’d prefer, they both seem really shitty. Pushing 2 babies out of my vag or having them cut out of me…. yeaaaa. Can they just teleport out? That would be ideal. I know, I know, it isn’t possible, but a girl can dream right!? 
Here is their side by side profile at almost 29 weeks!

I’m starting to feel rather crowded with these not so little twinkies taking up all my space. They’re pushing things into places that are just not ideal! Breathing, bending over, any sort of physical activity has definitely become more difficult, but I’m still just thankful that my hips are being pleasant and not killing me day in day out. I feel like a beached whale most days, just because sitting normally makes me uncomfortable so I have to be laying down to get and relief from the pressures of these girls. 

Well until next time,

Jenika 

Little Aliens 👽

It’s been a while since I’ve updated here, so I figured I’d take the time to do so now. Friday we had the 3D ultrasound with the twinkies adoptive parents and my mom. One baby was being stubborn per usual and the other cooperated just fine. Not going to lie seeing their little faces was awkward. They look like little aliens! I feel like they have my nose & round cheeks where my mom thinks one looks like fuck face. 😑 NO. 

During the ultrasound baby A decided she wanted to show off her flexibility by having her knees in her face. I got up & walked around for a few minutes while drinking juice to get her to change positions. She did end up moving but moving to a position where she still had her face covered but this time with her hand. She’s most definitely my child being so stubborn. The parents ended up getting a package that included pictures and video of the ultrasound. They also got 2 little stuffed animals with their heart beats, they got a cute unicorn and little kitty. 

We went to lunch after the ultrasound and talked. I asked them if they had names picked out for them and rather mentioned Harper and Addison. Totally reminds me of Grey’s Anatomy characters. I like the names but it’s no Aurora & Aria. Either way these babies are theirs at the end of this thing so I’ve come to terms that whatever they name these little girls will be alright. 

It’s been nice not being in pain these past few weeks cause I’ve been able to do more but as time goes on I get bigger. Getting bigger means I’m more exhausted & out of breath! Baby B likes to wedge her self near my left lung and makes it hard to catch my breath. It’s a really odd feeling and even sight to see cause the left of my stomach gets this weird large lump, so I know that’s where she’s at! I am so ready to not be pregnant any more and I’m only 28 weeks.

Here I’ve attached a few photos from the ultrasound so you can see my little aliens for yourself! You can see where baby A was covering her face and when she finally moved it. Hopefully they come out as cute as I think they might be.

Well until next time,
Jenika 

Babies.

It’s been a little bit since I’ve made a post, figured it was time. I saw the babies on Friday and got their weight. They weight a whopping 2lbs 7oz each and I’m currently going on week 27. Recently I’ve been able to get out & do more since I’ve realized that if I sleep more on my stomach and less on my hip, I don’t seem to have as much pain in my hip when I wake up. It’s really nice to be able to do more stuff & be more active without being in so much pain. I’m sure it won’t last long but I’ll take what I can get. I still feel like I’m a giant hippo but people keep saying other wise.

 

 

As the twins have gotten bigger, it’s made it easier to tell which baby is kicking. Baby A is always lower and she is pretty active through out the entire day & night, where as Baby B is my sleeping beauty and is mainly active at night. It’s gotten to a point where I can see my stomach move when they kick or move and it’s just out of this world. Sometimes they like to push on vital organs and well that just isn’t a pleasant feeling.

I’ve been thinking a lot about one of the questions in my daunting package of questions and it’s the one asking if I or the adoptive parents are going to name the babies. Since the beginning of the pregnancy or at least since I found out they were twins, I started thinking of names. There was a point where I tried to convince myself I wanted these babies because fuck face was around and it wouldn’t be too bad…. hah. So I sat down at work one day and came up with a small list of girls and boys names since we didn’t know any gender yet. My family has a small tradition that I wanted to keep to when naming them, so all my names either had to start with an A or a J. My boys names: Atticus and Asher. My girls names: Journey, Aria, and Aurora. My favorites were Atticus and Aurora if they were 1 each and Aria and Aurora if they were both girls.

 
Now 27 weeks out and being able to tell my girls apart I feel like their names are pretty fitting for each of them, but do I get to name them? Do I collaborate with the parents to come up with a name together? Give them free reign and let them name the girls? How do I even bring up the topic of this to them? These are the questions that are swirling through my head currently and I should really talk to them about it. I keep telling myself maybe this should be an in person conversation versus an email communication but then I start to think how much easier it is for me to write down how I feel versus vocalizing it.

 

Until next time,
Here’s a cute little profile of each baby. They were being cooperative for once at this ultrasound.

 

Jenika.

Frustrated. 

The past few days haven’t been the easiest. The pain in my hip has been really bad and it’s making doing anything very uncomfortable. I’ve tried to make the best of my days by trying to do things outside of lying at home, playing with Luna, and sleeping. I went to the park & read a few times since the weather was nice this week, I definitely enjoyed the fresh air and the away time from Luna! Don’t get me wrong, I love my Luna but she’s turning a year old and is somewhere around 60lbs and hyperactive. (Doesn’t mix well with my slight disadvantage.) I also got to see The Lego Batman Movie with a friend (totally worth seeing) but all of these things just took a toll on me both physically and mentally. 

It’s frustrating not being able to do the most basic of things, getting water or going to the restroom. It’s heartbreaking not being able to take Luna out for a longer walk cause her massive size pulls me so hard that I cry out in pain. I know she’s bored and wants more play time or stimulation but I just don’t have it in me right now to give it to her. I get frustrated when she gets moody and bored because I can’t do anything for her. I’m only 5 months in and I’m unsure how much longer I can take this feeling. I hate feeling helpless, I hate feeling like I’m doing Luna an injustice, I hate that I have no one to help me and more so, the fact that I need help. Life keeps pushing me further down this fucked up rabbit hole and I want no more part or it. I wish I could just fast forward until these babies come out and I can start regaining my life. 

On the other hand the adoptive parents and I have set up a date to go and get a 3d ultrasound with photos for them to finally see the babies out side of my photos of the ultrasounds. I can imagine they’re really excited seeing as he may have mentioned that he has to try and stop her from buying all the little girl clothes off the Internet. I’m glad that I can give them this opportunity to experience the growing of these not so little lima beans but I’m over the pain of them growing.

One day at a time, right?

Jenika

Emotions

I was having a hard time coming up with my next post and then I realized no one really knows how I’m feeling or even how I’m dealing with all of this. I will say that I’m not the type of person who let’s people in very often or expresses how I feel, ever. You have to be a very special person to be let into that part of me, my vulnerability.

This whole pregnancy has been one of denial. Denial in the fact that I’m pregnant. I could have never been this stupid, but yet one momentary lapse in judgment landed me here. I fell down this rabbit hole that has landed me in my own version of Wonderland. Seeing and experiencing things I never thought I would experience myself. I’ve distanced myself from the situation in a way that I feel would make the process of giving 2 human lives that I created to someone else easier. Until last week when I get a package from the adoption agency with some questions I need to answer about my hospital plan, a keepsake book for me to fill out and give to these babies, and a informational packet about grief. That’s when reality hit like a ton of bricks. Looking through my hospital plan, I’m asking myself how am I supposed to answer these questions? Questions that haven’t even run through my head until this moment. 

Who will hold the baby first? 

Breast feed or bottle feed?

Who will do the feedings, changings? 

Who do I want the doctor to talk to about the babies?

Do I want to do this, should I let them do it, do we do it together?  Those are just a few questions on these 3 pages worth of questions. I honestly can’t say I know how to answer these questions. The more I think about it, the more difficult they become. I mentioned earlier I don’t like being vulnerable and this my friends makes me feel very vulnerable. It’s not an easy thing to take in. I break down and cry thinking if I would be a terrible person if I wanted nothing to do with them to make the decision easier, but that just makes the illusion of denial that much more real or do I share this with them making a bond with my babies and burst that denial bubble making that connection real?

I never wanted children but yet here I am having 2. 2 little girls who will grow up to be amazing woman because I did what I thought was best by giving them to a 2 parent loving home. Keeping them in my opinion is the worst thing I could do for these girls. I’d resent them for taking a part of my life I knew I wanted, for reminding me of my mistake over & over again. Raising them alone would mean them having to go with out certain things and I would never want that for them. I don’t want them to know the feeling of resentment or going with out because I made a choice that wasn’t right for me. I’m tired of people telling me that they could never get rid of there kids, I am not getting rid of them. I’m giving them the best opportunity at life that I know I can not give them myself. 

That’s literally just a glimpse into my emotional thought process on this subject. I haven’t been an overly emotional pregnant lady through out this process, thank goodness but I do have my moments when I do break down and feel those emotions that I know I can’t run from. 

The most frustrating part of the situation is that I’m doing this alone. I have an amazing support system who’s there for me, but I’m still alone. Alone dealing with the changes in my body, alone in the endless doctors appointments, even with just feeling alone. No one can really do much for me in this journey but support me and I’m greatful for every one who has been so supportive. It just doesn’t stop that feeling.

Until next time,

Jenika 

Weekly visit.

It’s Friday and my normal weekly visit to check on these twinkies. Usually it’s just heart tones and I get a little peak at them. The reason I see them every week this early is because I have what’s called a didelphic uterus, which is a fancy way to say my uterus is split in 2 or I have 2 uterus’. 

Being that twins is already considered a high risk pregnancy, this little anomaly has made it a bit more high risk. The babies are both within one uterus so they have less room on top of there being 2 babies to grow. 

Growing two babies in a smaller than one baby uterus makes it a lot harder on my hips, so needless to say the left hip has been my biggest issue since they’ve started growing. I was able to finally discuss it with my OB and let’s just hope everything he said & prescribed helps give some sort of relief!
It was difficult to see the babies today because one was laying pretty much right on top of the other so it was all shadows, but they’re definitely growing. I still think they look like lima beans for the most part but with arms & legs! 

Any ultrasound photo I get I send it to the adoptive parents to keep them in the loop at all times! These twinkies are theirs! Today sadly didn’t really yield any because of their position but I’ll still keep them posted of the visit. 

Well the twinkies and I had a long day and didn’t end up getting much sleep last night so time to put these patches & pain relief methods to work and hopefully get some needed rest.

Until next time,

Jenika