Post-partum/Mother’s Day.

Here we are 11 days after the birth of my girls on Mother’s Day and let me tell you, these past 11 days have been very emotional. What my body is going through to regain balance has left me an emotional mess. Everything about the adoption, my girls, my life, makes me cry. Not just shed a few tears but sob. 

I love my girls and know that what I did is the best thing for them, but I miss them. I created these 2 little girls over 37 weeks and now they’re not here. It’s just odd and sends me in a tailspin of post partum emotions. The adoptive parents have been kind enough to send me a few updated photos of the girls, which makes my heart happy, so happy that I cry. See like I said, I do a lot of crying. I knew that this process wasn’t going to be easy and I understand all this has to happen but the feeling of not being myself is what bothers me. The swelling in my body, the pain that has caused, my hormones rushing through me, all of it together has made for a disgusting cocktail of emotions I no longer want. No one really prepared me for this part of my pregnancy. They just told me how shitty being pregnant was, without mentioning by the way so your whole life feels out of whack after pregnancy be ready for emotional outbursts and swollen limbs for weeks after giving birth! 

Harper & Addison at 1 week 💕

To keep myself from crying all the time I try to keep myself occupied so that my mind doesn’t wander to the known topics that trigger my ever so free flowing tears. It’s been a little easier with my friends and family helping with little distractions here and there and focusing on Luna & job hunting has also been a huge help. Also focusing on my weight loss is definitely a great distractor. Before the twins I weighed 238lbs and got to 271lbs the day before the twins were born. I am currently weighing 225 lbs and it continues to decrease each day with the loss of the extra fluids. That’s exciting for me since I’ve struggled with my weight and haven’t been this small in almost 7 years!

I’m still in shock that I’m a mother. A birth mother. I know today some people had their hesitations about how I’d feel about being told Happy Mothers day to, but to be honest I don’t mind. I am a mother even with out Harper & Addison in my arms, I still gave birth to 2 beautiful girls and that’ll never change. 

I celebrated my Mothers day weekend with my mom on Saturday having a nice family outing for my cousins graduation (which doubled for me as mothers day just a little early) and an early dinner with my 2nd family today. It was nice being welcomed into open arms and gifted my first mother’s day gift of a heart felt rose & balloon from my 2 favorite little tykes (my best friends 3 & 5 yo) who gave me all the kisses & hugs possible! I did have a small breakdown when talking about the girls and being told Happy Mothers day but their loving words helped me back. 

This is going to be a long process of getting my life back and in order but I made a promise that I’m making some positive changes in my life and I don’t plan on breaking that promise. It’s not going to be easy but I have the best family, friends, & support system a girl could ask for. So here’s to the future me, I look forward to what’s in store for myself and my girls. Even if it’s through random updates 💖

Till next time!

Jenika

Bittersweet 

Words can’t begin to describe the emotions that are going through me right now. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, felt joy, and sadness. 

The moment it all became real was the moment I had to relinquish my rights as these 2 beautiful little girls’ mother. The words read to me hit me like a ton of bricks and it weighed heavy on me. I broke down. I broke down with these words of abandonment forever. 

It all started on May 3rd, the day scheduled for my c-section. I was in bed waiting for my mom and cousin to pick me up and take me to the hospital to check in. Well little did I know that these girls were ready to come in on their own terms still. I rolled out of bed to find out my water broke! Yes, these girls decided to wait until the DAY OF their already scheduled day to come into this world. We get to the hospital and advise them I’m scheduled for a c-section and that my water has also broken. They get me back into the pre op room to get me hooked up and prepared for the big moment. At this point the adoptive parents have now met up with us at the hospital and are there waiting with us for me to be taken back. Being that I could only have 1 person in with me during the surgery I obviously choose my mom. I couldn’t do this with out her, so she kindly offers to take one of their phones back into the operating room to document the moment for them. They take me back to the OR and this when I start to freak out mentally. I see all these machines and the table I’m about to be laid out on and it’s like OH EM GEE they’re about to cut me open and take out TWO tiny humans out of me.

Laying on that table having a slight freak out I just concentrated on hearing the babies cry, to know that they were out and ok. Once they were out and I could feel the pressure and tugging these two doctors were doing to close me up started a small panic again so I moved my mind 2 listen to what was happening to my little girls. 
Baby A born at 1:53pm at 5lbs 6oz and measured 17 inches. She is Addison now. A beautiful little girl with black hair and an attitude like her mommas.
Baby B born 1:55pm at 5lbs 11oz and measured 18 inches. She is Harper. A mellow little one with dirty blonde/light brown hair who is also just as chill as her momma.

They’re most definitely fraternal twins. They look nothing a like. 

Addison was having some troubles with her breathing when she came out but they were able to regulate it so no NICU for her or Harper who came out peaceful & perfect. 

The next few hours are kind of a blur, ya know since I’m all drugged up on a cocktail of things but they move me back to my post-op room for a few hours while I recover before moving me to another actual room. They clean up my little girls and bring them to my room, where I have friends and family waiting to meet them. 

With the adoption if the hospital has room they would allow the adoptive parents to stay in one with the babies but this week they were too busy to be able to accommodate a room for them. The first night with the little ones was just myself and a nurse doing their feedings every 3 hours or so and they stayed in a hotel that night. Needless to say I didn’t get much sleep that night. The next morning my day nurse felt that because of the drugs they had me on that it would be best if the babies stayed in the nursery for a while to be monitored. While in the nursery only myself and my mom would be allowed to go see them and anyone else would have to be with one of us. That morning my mom arrived and took the parents to the nursery to see the girls while I rested some more. After a few hours they brought my girls back to my room to be with me and told me they had been waiting for a room to clear to move me so that I wasn’t in a post op room the whole time. Once they finally moved me rooms we decided that because there was a couch and a recliner that if they wanted to the parents could stay in my room that night which they did, naturally. It gave us time to bond together as birth mother & adoptive parents and also for them to take over taking care of the girls feedings and changings.  

Friday, May 5th 2017 was spent with the most important people in my life. My mom, best friend, the adoptive parents, and their family. This day was a long day and the day that was set up to relinquish my rights. Before the worker from the adoption agency arrived it still hadn’t hit me that this was my last day with my girls. I knew I would be discharged but it was uncertain if the girls would be the same day. They both needed to pass their car seat test and Harper’s bilirubin numbers were high so they needed to make sure those numbers came down before releasing her. It was about 4:30 when my adoption representative arrived, I was still holding up ok. She asked the parents to leave and it was just my 2 witnesses and myself with her. During the process each document had to be read twice, one for each baby and it had to be documented by a court reporter who was on the phone with us. Once she started reading those documents and the wording of it all hit me is when the emotions flooded over me and I broke down and finally cried. My tears flowed as I signed my name saying that I would no longer be their parent, that it was forever. After everything was said and done, I held my girls. I told them I loved them more than anything and that I had to do this for them. I wanted them to have everything I couldn’t give them alone. I held them until the very last minute before being released. 

This was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

I said bye to my girls and told them I’d always be here for them even though I wasn’t their “mom.” And that was that. I said my good bye to the parents who were overwhelmed with tears of happiness that their dreams have finally come true, where my tears flowed of sadness leaving my girls behind. 

It’s been really hard these past few days tryin to write this update because I’m reliving the moment over and over again.  At no point did I think I shouldn’t do this or did I want to not go through with the process but it’s still painful knowing I made these tiny humans over 37 weeks, I got to know each of them while inside and out of me. This adoption will be open so I do get to see my girls grow and I will be able to visit them or them me, which helps me cope with the process. Now it’s time to get my life back in track so that later down the line these girls will see that I’ve made the changes I needed to make to grow up. 

Harper & Addison 💕 I love you to the moon & back. 

Tomorrow.

In less than 24 hours, two little girls will have arrived in this crazy world and changed a whole lot of lives. I carried them to term at 37 weeks.

Holy fuck. 

To say I’m freaked out is most definitely an understatement. I’m shitting bricks. I will be open, on a table, conscious of my surroundings, while two tiny humans are pulled through an opening that was cut into me. 😦 Holy shit. I’m really glad my mom will be there with me because I would not handle this situation at all without her. I was telling my mom earlier today how nervous I was about the c section and she kept me level headed about it. 
I spent part of my day today at the doctors getting my last bag of iron, so my veins hurt a bit. They poked me twice which is better than last week where I got stuck 3x! The adoption agency has been so great with helping me and preparing me about the next few days. Erin who’s been helping me is super thoughtful and really awesome about keeping me informed and making a sure I’m still feeling in control of the situation.  Tomorrrow, I’ll have to drop Luna off at the boarders and I feel terrible and relieved all at the same time. I love my Luna but she’s can be a handful and can wear me down really quick. It’s pretty much like already having a toddler. At least she’ll get some much needes attention that I haven’t been able to give her recently. I need to finish picking up my apartment for my little stint at my parents, that’ll be fun… it’ll keep me occupied before my mom and cousin pick me up and take me to the hospital.

The adoptive parents arrived in town tonight and I’ll see them more than likely after the C section tomorrow afternoon. I know they’re definitely excited for this day to have finally come! Their family will finally be complete with two brand new to the world, tiny humans. I’m glad that I’ll get to give them that. That happiness and love that they crave to share with these girls. 

I have a feeling I might not get the best sleep tonight due to the anticipation for tomorrow and overall discomfort of these 2 in my belly. The girls are actively moving while I watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and elevate my overly swollen limbs. They look terrible and feel even worse. I won’t miss that or the heartburn I’m also experiencing lol.

I really hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow so that I can soon start focusing on my future. I do want to thank everyone who has been such a huge part of this process whether friend, family, or part of the adoption process! They’ve made this process a little more bearable on my own. 
Over the next few days I’ll try and keep this blog updated to keep myself occupied and keep you guys informed of the process, photos of the girls, etc. I know a lot of you will continue to be interested! I’ll go more in depth with the process of the adoption process then I have through the earlier posts. 
Well until next time,

Jenika 

Reality 

I want to apologize in advance that this post might be a scatter brained mess, but it’s my blog so oh well! I know I said that I would probably write the night before the due date, but I’m currently going through a lot of emotions that I want to put down. As the day approaches the reality of the situation becomes more daunting. 

I am a birth mother. 

This decision has not only effected myself but obviously my family. As much as I have tried to distance myself from this pregnancy the realization of I’m having 2 kids has become over whelming. I mentioned in the last post that these babies will be tied to me forever and the more that thought sinks in the more emotional I get. I never thought I’d be in this place ever in my life and all I want is for every one to be happy, the adoptive parents, my mom, and mainly myself.  I know that if I wouldn’t have made this decision to place the babies up for adoption I at the end of it all would not be happy. 
Does that make me selfish? People say I’m strong and brave for doing this but I can’t help but to feel selfish. Selfish for putting what I feel are my needs & feelings before any one elses. I never wanted to be a mother of any sort but the fact of the matter is I am now and that thought scares the living shit out of me. These little girls years from now when they can think for themselves will know I birthed them, I gave them up, and I don’t know what to say to explain what I went through to do so. How do you explain… Yea sorry I put you up for adoption because I didn’t want to me a mom. That sounds terrible but the bottom line is that’s the truth, not being ready financially, mentally, or even physically to take care of 2 new born babies on my own is just an addition to that. 

People have offered to help me raise these girls moving me to another state just so these girls will stay in the family, but I don’t want to raise these girls, I don’t want that responsibility. Choosing a family outside of my family & friends was so that it would make my decision easier, but knowing that my family wants to be involved with these girls is also a hard reality to swallow. It means that these girls will be more apart of my life than I would have wanted. Circling back, how do I keep myself distant while my family has that social interaction without these girls wondering why I’m not as involved as “grandma?” 
Trying to find this happy medium in my head is making me anxious. I need to take all of this one step at a time, one moment at a time. I can work myself up because the unknown to me is a very scary thing and it makes me feel like I don’t have control over my situation. It could be that these girls come and I see them and all of that anxiety goes away but it also could be that all of that anxiety becomes intensified with all those post partum hormomes. 
I’ve felt lost in my life several times, as I’m sure many of you guys have too but right now this is the most lost I’ve felt in 28 years of my existence. I think back to when I first found out I was pregnant and how Fuck face couldn’t comprehend how I could feel like my world was over. I know that my world isn’t over and that things will go back to normal and I’ll be able to handle everything thrown at me in the future, but a small part of me still feels that having these girls isn’t the greatest thing and that I wish it would have never happened. 
I feel like I’ve cried more in the past 2 days then I have since finding out I was pregnant with twins. I really would love to just fast forward past these next few weeks and start this next chapter pretending that these past 37 weeks didn’t happen, but I can’t because it did happen. Life will continue to move forward and I just hope that I can find a way to cope with this versus ignoring it. 
Jenika

https://youtu.be/W4OG7O8B0C8

Finally!

I can finally let out a sigh of relief because we have a date! May 3rd, 2017 these twinkies will come into the world via c-section. Currently at 36 weeks, the c section is scheduled at 37, which is considered full term for twins! I have no idea how I did it with no real complications other than being anemic, which I’ve been all my life. I’m just going to say though I will not miss pregnancy life cause it still sucks. I don’t know why any one would do this more than once! Looking forward to not being kicked in random organs, not having swollen feet & legs, heartburn, and everything else that has come with pregnancy. 

36 weeks! 

 

Now that I have a date I’m actually nervous, scared, relieved, anxious, and God knows how many other feelings I’m currently feeling about this whole thing. The reality and realization of all this is finally starting to hit me and it scares me. It scares me that I’m going to be a birth mother. I will have birthed 2 little girls that I placed into someone else’s care. These 2 little girls will be tied to me FOREVER. I grew 2 humans over the course of 37 weeks. My mind is blown at all of this. I’m worried about how I’m going to feel afterwards, after everything settles down,  I’ve healed from the c-section, and it’s time to start my life over again but now I’m getting emails & photos & having bi yearly visits… I just never thought that my life would include little me’s walking around.
I definitely plan on keeping up with this blog as the process, well I guess my life as a birth mother goes on. These experiences are still one of a kind and I think expressing my feelings like a journal will help cope with this whole journey.
This past week has been a busy one! I’ve had 2 appointments already and will have several more leading up to my surgery. I’m just a bit tired of them but it’s almost over and it’ll help this week pass by quickly. I’ve also started prepping my hospital bag and getting things arranged for Luna. Since I’ll be in the hospital a few days and then at my mom’s while I recover a bit she’ll be at a boarders. This will be the longest we’ve ever been apart and it breaks my heart that she has no idea! Ugh life of a puppy mom…
Well I think I’m done ranting for the night, my next post will probably be the night before these twinkies arrive cause I know I won’t be sleeping much! So until next time!

Jenika

Is it time yet…?

Hey guys! 34 weeks in and I’m still here waiting for these twinkies to make their way into the world. I’ve been growing and gaining, tossing and turning, hoping these babies would say “hello world,” but alas they have chosen to stay in another week. At this point I’m having the worst time sleeping at night cause my belly is just not comfortable no matter how I position it, and by the time I am finally in a place comfortable enough it’s time to take Luna out for her morning routine. Woe is me right? Oh well…. lack of sleep is something I’m used to any ways. 

This week I had 2 appointments, the first to get IV iron pumped into me and then the 2nd to do our weekly scheduled NonStress test. First appointment was easy peasy, went in they hooked me up to an IV an hour later I was home! Yaaaaaas! Won’t lie though where I get my treatment is where they also give chemo to cancer patients so it’s kinda depressing being in there for iron while everyone around me is fighting for their lives. 2nd appointment well let’s just say the little lady baby A isn’t a fan of this test. Each time which we’re now at 3, she has refused to stay still for the monitor to keep a read on her. So guess what that means for me!? A lovely trip to Labor & Delivery for these little girls to be monitored there. Between the drs visit and then the hospital visit, I usually get home at least 4 hours after my appointment. Gaaahhh why is she so stubborn!? 

Speaking of stubborn! Baby A is in a breech position and Baby B is in a transverse position. Meaning that I’ll more than likely have a c section because of how they’re unwilling to move from these positions. Still don’t 100% know how I feel about the c section but I figure if I can handle gastric surgery, I can handle a c section… right? Still wish they would just teleport out though… but I’ve attached a picture from Web MD to show the baby position currently for those who may not understand what the terms meant. (That’s OK! Cause I didn’t either!)

So I FINALLY sent the adoption agency my hospital plan. Who I want there, where I want the babies to stay, where do I want to stay, etc… and now I need to work on my mommy book for the twinkies. This book is like a little scrapbook with pages for me to fill out little things about myself, photos for them, and things like that. I am no good at these kind of things which is why I’ve put it off. I can’t really procrastinate this anymore cause they’ll be here soon. Very soon. Just yesterday I was over at my best friends and I was having contractions, Braxton Hicks mind you but still contractions. I was scared shitless when she suggested going to the hospital. As much as I’m ready for these babies to vacate the premises, I’m not mentally prepared for what’s about to happen. Denial is starting to catch up to reality now. This is happening and soon. 
Well until next time,

Jenika 

Is it time!?

Sorry for the long pause in between post guys, I know I’m the worst. I’ve just been lazy and have had some writers block I suppose. 

Well we had an appointment for the twinkies today, check on their fluids & heartbeat per usual. Everything looks good. We also did a non stress test to track their movements & heartbeats. Unfortunately my babies being my babies and all they weren’t having any of it. The nurses tried for a good 10 to 15 mins to try and position the sensors where the babies were but they kept moving. Finally we were able to get both babies on the monitor but when the doctor came in to look they had moved pretty much right after the nurses left. Damn twinkies! 

At my last appointment it was determined that I’m pretty anemic, which if you know me I’ve been anemic all my life. So we’re trying to get me in to see a hematologist to get an iron IV. Won’t be the first time I’ve gone through that, it sucks but oh well gotta do whatcha gotta do. Hopefully that’ll help curb my intense ice cravings!

I know every one is really anxious to know if I’ll be delivering these twinkies naturally or via c-section. I spoke to the doc and he said it all depends on the babies at this point. He normally goes for a natural delivery but if the babies positions are difficult then it’ll have to be a c-section. So here’s hoping to these twinkies being in a position for an easy and natural birth cause the thought of a c-section I think scares me more than natural…? I think.
 
Being 32 weeks now with these little monsters has me exhausted! I can barely walk around the grocery store without being winded every other aisle! Sleeping is the worst. Trying to find a comfortable position for what feels like this giant belly isn’t easy, they crush all my internal organs at each toss & turn. I’m completely ready for these babies to come out & meet the world and let me breathe like normal again.
 
I know, I know. They’re not ready but I sure as hell am! I’m ready to get on with my life and move forward from this point. I sometimes feel like the worst birth mother because I’m just so ready to move past this. I haven’t embraced this pregnancy, I haven’t embraced these twinkies so much either. They’re apart of me and I know that they’re not really going any where. They’ll always be my flesh & blood, but at the end of the day I still want to ignore that fact and pretend that this never happend. Maybe that thought will change once they’re here, maybe it won’t but what I do know clear as day is I’m definitely ready to move on. 

Well here is me at 32 weeks, definitely looking uber pregnant now. I can’t imagine how I’m going to look in 4 more weeks, assuming the babies stay in that long…. but I’m already feeling the impact of them now. 

Well until next time,
Jenika