Here we are 11 days after the birth of my girls on Mother’s Day and let me tell you, these past 11 days have been very emotional. What my body is going through to regain balance has left me an emotional mess. Everything about the adoption, my girls, my life, makes me cry. Not just shed a few tears but sob.
I love my girls and know that what I did is the best thing for them, but I miss them. I created these 2 little girls over 37 weeks and now they’re not here. It’s just odd and sends me in a tailspin of post partum emotions. The adoptive parents have been kind enough to send me a few updated photos of the girls, which makes my heart happy, so happy that I cry. See like I said, I do a lot of crying. I knew that this process wasn’t going to be easy and I understand all this has to happen but the feeling of not being myself is what bothers me. The swelling in my body, the pain that has caused, my hormones rushing through me, all of it together has made for a disgusting cocktail of emotions I no longer want. No one really prepared me for this part of my pregnancy. They just told me how shitty being pregnant was, without mentioning by the way so your whole life feels out of whack after pregnancy be ready for emotional outbursts and swollen limbs for weeks after giving birth!
Harper & Addison at 1 week 💕
To keep myself from crying all the time I try to keep myself occupied so that my mind doesn’t wander to the known topics that trigger my ever so free flowing tears. It’s been a little easier with my friends and family helping with little distractions here and there and focusing on Luna & job hunting has also been a huge help. Also focusing on my weight loss is definitely a great distractor. Before the twins I weighed 238lbs and got to 271lbs the day before the twins were born. I am currently weighing 225 lbs and it continues to decrease each day with the loss of the extra fluids. That’s exciting for me since I’ve struggled with my weight and haven’t been this small in almost 7 years!
I’m still in shock that I’m a mother. A birth mother. I know today some people had their hesitations about how I’d feel about being told Happy Mothers day to, but to be honest I don’t mind. I am a mother even with out Harper & Addison in my arms, I still gave birth to 2 beautiful girls and that’ll never change.
I celebrated my Mothers day weekend with my mom on Saturday having a nice family outing for my cousins graduation (which doubled for me as mothers day just a little early) and an early dinner with my 2nd family today. It was nice being welcomed into open arms and gifted my first mother’s day gift of a heart felt rose & balloon from my 2 favorite little tykes (my best friends 3 & 5 yo) who gave me all the kisses & hugs possible! I did have a small breakdown when talking about the girls and being told Happy Mothers day but their loving words helped me back.
This is going to be a long process of getting my life back and in order but I made a promise that I’m making some positive changes in my life and I don’t plan on breaking that promise. It’s not going to be easy but I have the best family, friends, & support system a girl could ask for. So here’s to the future me, I look forward to what’s in store for myself and my girls. Even if it’s through random updates 💖
Till next time!